How To “Keep” New Year’s Resolutions
April 07, 2017
Step 1: Motivation
Always start off on the right foot. In order to create the perfect illusion that you are in fact, one of those people who follows New Year’s resolutions religiously, you need to dedicatedly create that persona. To achieve this level, you first need to get into the proper mindset. In order to convince your friends, you must first convince yourself. And what better way to do that than indulge in memes? For this step, I would recommend referring to any page on Facebook that specialises in the right kind of memes. Allow me to show you a small example.
Once you have been suitably “motivated”, you are now ready for step 2.
Step 2: Planning
It’s always important to plan in advance. After all, a famous person once said “Enna oru vishyam pannalum, plan pani pannanum, okay?” (or something that sounds like that). Anyways, professionals in the field recommend that you start planning your new year’s resolutions as early as possible. After all, you wouldn’t want to be caught off guard if someone were to suddenly bring it up in an awkward conversation. If you are a veteran in the field of resolution breaking and follow the findings of the field, then you may skip this step; else proceed. As a beginner, I would recommend referring to the Instagram pages and Snapchat pages of people who appear to “have a life”. Being the social and upbeat people that they are and we’re not, you will get a vague idea of what a New Year resolution should be like.
BUT DO NOT BE MISGUIDED, POOR CIVILIAN. ONE MUST BE CAREFUL WITH THIS STEP.
WHY, YOU MAY ASK?
Just because you’re motivated to form a resolution doesn’t mean that you should ever dream to go through with it successfully like these people. Shame on you. Consider the following graph to reinforce the point,
Step 3: Writing your resolution
Here comes the hard part. What exactly constitutes a resolution that is meant to be consciously broken? How does one word it to seem legit, but at the same time give you enough leeway to break it? Decisions, decisions. Allow me to guide you. Crafting resolutions that are not to see the light of day is an art. Consider the following example,
I vow to lose 5 kgs this year by jogging whenever I can.
WRONG. I don’t even know where to begin. Let’s go step by step,
- Never be specific
By being specific, you might be tempted to follow through since now you don’t have to think of a way to achieve your goal; you’ve already specified it.
- Never be realistic
Because what would be the point of this post if you could actually achieve the goals you’ve set?
- Do not try to write resolutions that don’t give you scope for lousy excuses.
“Jog whenever I can” – what blasphemy! All spare time should be effectively directed towards more socially accepted channels, for example, texting, sleeping, surfing, eating, and complaining that you have too much work but not enough time to do it.
Based on the above points, the corrected version would be,
I vow to lose weight this year. My goal is 15 kgs, but let’s try our best.
The vagueness, the innocence, the positivity – perfection.
Step 4: Spreading “awareness”
This is the most important step. In order to make sure that steps 1 to 3 have not been in vain, it is important that you invest a significant amount of time in this step. You must ensure that everyone knows that you actually have New Year’s “resolutions”. First, click various photos of yourself “working” towards your new year’s goal. Do not exert too much effort into the “working” part – we’ve come too far for you to develop a backbone to make this a legit resolution. Be sure to add a variety of filters and to take photos from different angles. Post a bunch of photos on all possible social media sites. Don’t let Twitter’s 140-character limit stop you from achieving your dreams – retweet your own tweets. Do not feel bad when tagging all your friends in your posts. This is just a minor bump in the grand scheme of things. What is important is that everyone knows of your new year’s resolution. Be sure to use hashtags!
Step 5: Maintenance
This is the last stage. Now that all that is done, you are finally free of the shackles of social obligations. Everyone is aware of your resolution, but no one will keep track of whether you’re following it or not. You may now revert back to your true form and go about with your usual day to day activities. If questioned about your progress, do not panic. I recommend having a set of equally vague responses such as, ‘Got caught up in a little work’, ‘taking a break for now. Planning to pick up where I left off soon’ and the likes of that.
DISCLAIMER: The author of this article is an eccentric individual and is highly critical of New Year’s resolutions. The author is not responsible for any offense taken by the reader. Reader discretion is advised, in addition to a sense of humour.